I saw you in the night again.


I want to leave pieces of you with this morning.
Mix the sunrise with your breath,
you leave shades of the nightsky on my neck.
I breathe in the fragrance of your disapproval,
I want to leave before you ask me to.
My arm over your chest painfully overstays its welcome,
and your eyes seem to search
for emptier spaces in an already empty room;
almost feels like the air in our lungs
begs us to poison it further.
I still haven’t left and now you want me to leave.
My tears sizzle in the heat of the friction
as our bodies untwine;
I want to remember the aftermath of my heartbreak,
I try to hold on for just a while longer,
I fail.
I want too many things too soon, too often.
Your magic tricks fail to amuse me and my
amusement never mattered to you, I want to not forget.
I’ve realised that motion blur etches itself too deep
into the skin of old, forgotten lovers.




I want to start by burning every book that reads


i would take a knife, heat it on those flames and

peel off my skin;

these scars are from a battle that i

do not remember fighting.

i will tear down every piece of

clothing i own that

smells of cigarette smoke, sunsets,

liquor laced kisses, and your signature whiff of

clandestine love.

i would then spill all my toxic dreams of despair

into a bathtub and bathe

till the blue fades from my bruises.

i will not tell my new lover

about these bruises.

or these layers of skin that i have

lost to you.

i will not tell them about the blood

spilled on this floor.

and i,

i will tell myself over and over again:

“do not bite your lips”

“do not bite their lips”

“do not love”

“do not lose”.

i would break my bones

in three

(this way it hurts longer).

and when my new lover would ask me,

“how does your past hurt you?”

all i’d say is,

it doesn’t anymore.



lips against lips

you sigh like a soft summer breeze

and i like a sunburnt piece of clay

quietly crack open, fill you

in my crevices, you

complete me and nobody sees it

but me. just me.

lips against lips

yours press down with a thirst

i’ve not yet known how to quench

so i clench your shirt in my fists

and sink in deeper, and deeper

into your fading silhouette.

lips against lips

i feel all your untold stories

slip down my throat and make home

in my lungs, i will sing them

for the world some day, one day

i will make your words immortal.

lips against lips

i now dont know any parts of my body

as my own, they are all ready to

crumble and fall to dust,

i am nothing when not yours

and i am not yours.

i am not yours.

To Arabella


i am coiled like a snake on the kitchen floor,

i wait for you to swing open the kitchen door,

my breathing is shallow.

soon enough the screams that i have kept hidden under my eyelids

will start to reflect in my bloodshot eyes. 

my sadness traces a chalked outline of my body, like it wants answers,

i have none to offer, except for my mediocrity,

the overdramatic stage entry of my melancholy,

i find words but they’re too heavy, 

they feel like they’ve been used to describe apocalypses and burning monuments,

they sound too familiar and i’ve forever been afraid of strangers.
i am lost like a broken seashell along the shores of the sea of your all encompassing presence. 

i want to wait,

i want to live,

i want to try to touch every ray of the sun that drowns into your sweat and every moon that has stolen your shine;

but i can not. 

my fears aren’t at the bottom of your sea,

they are at the other end of it. 

so i make myself comfortable with the insignificance of my absence,

this unsolicited abstinence;

i only crave to touch your skin without you slipping away from my fingers;

have you ever dusted off sand from sunburned forearms?

it feels like i’ve been doing it for too long. 
i’m lying, crying, spilling blood all over the kitchen floor,

i try to picture you standing at the kitchen door,

hoping you’d remind me that i’ve missed seasons of your skin and i’ll tell you

i was busy making your side of the bed, just so you could collapse like a tidal wave against my toes,

but it’s late;

for me to ask you to return, 

for me to try to get up, walk to an old telephone booth,

call my past and say,

‘tell them you love them before they forget that you do’.



i know the world exists between two numbers, zero and one.

i know because i have burned to ashes with them, i have touched infinity with them.

i am a believer in fractions. 

my mother gave my father

three quarters of her laughter.

my father gave her two thirds of his peaceful dreams.

they hold hands like to sides of a coin that has been flipped too much, 

but i know,

the ratio of one to the other isn’t as equal as we thought it was.

my mother,

she accepts her defeat half heartedly.



Some days i find myself thinking of him. 

Not his fingers, or eyes, or hair, no. 

His silences. 

I mean, I think too much but I think too little and I think about things I really shouldn’t, and I want to stop, but,

Some things grow on you like a language,

And languages, he said, 

Can never be unlearned. 

So I think of his silences, they

Remind me of the empty space under the arc of a rainbow. 

His silences were like telephone static, only you hear telephone static with your ears;

I heard his silences with the skin on the inside of my wrists. 

I’ve never heard a silence quite as loud as the one he 

Ever so gently

Filled in my lungs and 

When I wanted to tell him 

That i needed him, or

That i needed him, or

That i needed him, i

Only managed to breathe

And he smiled,

Because he knew i now speak in silence too.



To You, 

My chosen one, mi eterna primavera, my sin. 

I wish I had the patience to turn you into a poem. 

I wish you could just stay still as I tried to remember how you looked under this pale blue sky; how your voice still found its way to me through the chaos of that marketplace, through the shrieks of babies and the cuss words of shopkeepers. I wish we had more time, more memories. I feel bad that I have only so many days to miss, only so many kisses to try to feel against my lips again. Some days, I just wish you could have held us together with your lies a little longer. Now you see, I’m tugging at the edges of my dress nervously. I don’t know how to say ‘Hello’ anymore, I just stick to smiling politely, coldly. But not cold enough for anyone to see the broken heart inside, or the absence of it. 

I know for a fact that you wake up in the middle of the night after a disturbing nightmare, a little before I decide to switch off the light and try to fall asleep. In those few minutes that we share our consciousness, I know you sigh my name and I’m here, on what feels like the other end of the world, taking a deep breath and counting the colours in your eyes on my fingers. I wish you’d never have loved me, and I wish I wasn’t so lost in my imagination that I never knew what reality felt like. I wish you didn’t know how to weave fiction like a fairytale, and I wish I had never let you read me your stories to sleep. 

Loving you wasn’t hard, I still feel like I’m back home when I try to listen to you speak in my head; and loving you didn’t drive me insane, I definitely don’t smile at inanimate objects. 

Loving you was just different and I’ll never know how, and so I wish I could have loved you a little more, just long enough to know the bones under your skin and how they held you without failing; just long enough to learn from them. 

Take care, you. 

You’re spring, you will never wither. I’m autumn, I will never bloom.